My daughter is almost three years old, and after the New Year, we finally enrolled her in a kindergarten—to let her have some fun.
Many parents probably have all sorts of mixed emotions when sending their child to school for the first time. For me, the strongest feeling was that this was a choice I made to intentionally let my daughter experience “emotional distress.”
Normally, whenever she feels scared, she runs to me for comfort. But this time, it was me who “made her scared” by sending her to an unfamiliar place—school.
Yeah… it didn’t feel so great.
Understanding Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety in young children is something we all know well. Almost every kindergarten principal will remind parents in advance: most kids cry during their first week of school, but they eventually adapt.
But one principal mentioned something I hadn’t really thought about before:
“Sometimes, it’s actually the parents who can’t handle their child’s anxiety. They can’t bear to see their little one crying so miserably, so after just one or two days, they pull them out of school.”
This actually takes away the child’s chance to overcome their anxiety.
Some parents also get overly anxious themselves, and their children pick up on that emotion—even kids who weren’t too scared at first might start feeling anxious because they sense their parents’ uneasiness.
Practical Ways to Help Your Child (and Yourself!)
There are many ways to help children cope with school anxiety, and we tried a few ourselves:
- Visit in Advance: A few days before school started, we took her to visit the kindergarten and get familiar with the environment.
- Read Relevant Books: We also read the picture book “Loving Kindergarten” together, so she could understand the routines and realize that we weren’t just leaving her there—we would be back to pick her up in a few hours.
As for helping parents cope with anxiety… well, that’s something we have to figure out on our own.
For me, I only started feeling better after identifying the root causes of my worries:
- Worrying Thought: My daughter might experience the same panic and helplessness I felt in my first 1-2 weeks of kindergarten.
- Response: Schools today are way more child-friendly than they were 30 years ago. Kindies nowadays emphasize play, and the class sizes are much smaller, so each kid receives much more attention and care.
- Worrying Thought: Many of my patients have childhood trauma from being mistreated by kindergarten teachers. Could my daughter experience something like that?
- Response: I personally chose a school recommended by family and friends. Plus, unlike some of my patients’ parents, I am actively involved and observant—I wouldn’t be blind to my child’s experiences.
The Outcome (and Relief!)
Well, my daughter cried on her first day of school, but there are no signs of persistent anxiety beyond the initial separation.
That reassured me, and I stopped worrying about her going to school the next day.
For the first two weeks, she still had a small cry every day upon reaching school, but the moment my wife and I left, she would start to play and enjoy herself.
She can overcome her anxiety; we just have to allow her the chance.
We all know that kids need to face and overcome challenges in order to grow.
But what I didn’t realize was how hard it is for parents to step back, watch their child struggle, and resist the urge to intervene.
No wonder Helicopter Parenting is so common! 😆
by Dr. Lim Po Ting
A Psychiatrist in Penang
